One of the ‘hot topics’ in counseling has always been setting boundaries. In other words, how to say ‘no’ to demands on our time, invitations to do something we really don’t want to do, or even handling our children’s unreasonable requests. This is not just a problem for parents, but also for individuals as well. It is difficult to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and say ‘no’ when we need to. But not being able to say ‘no’ can lead us down a road that we may not want to go down. I believe this is why so many people are way overcommitted with things that take up their time.
I often have parents ask me how to handle their children when they ask for something they obviously can’t have. Many parents just tell them ‘no’ without giving it a thought, but this often results in a temper tantrum. I even witnessed parents lie to a child in Target one day, by allowing the child to think he was getting a toy truck. They allowed the child to put it in the basket, but when they got to the checkout counter, they whispered to the clerk to put the truck back because they weren’t buying it. The child watched with eagle eyes to see if the truck made it into the shopping bag. When he realized what had happened, he started to wail. At this point, the parents grabbed him by the arm and basically drug him out of the store. Oh what problems this family is going to have with that boy as he grows up and starts to lie to them! I had to restrain myself from following them out and letting them know the harm they had just done.
When my daughter was three, we were shopping in a grocery store around Easter. As we walked in, we were welcomed by a huge tower of stuffed Easter bunnies. Her eyes widened and I asked her if she wanted to play with one while we shopped. I knew I was not going to buy it for her. She enjoyed playing with the bunny the entire time I grocery shopped. Then, before I got in line at the checkout, I took a few minutes to talk to her about this bunny. “Honey, did you enjoy getting to play with the bunny today?” She nodded. I told her, “You see all those bunnies over there? Well they are all friends. I know you really like this bunny and I wish we could bring him home, but he lives here with his friends. Now you have a choice: you can choose to put the bunny back with his friends and next time we come, you can play with him again. Or you can get upset about it and next time we come, you can just look at them instead of playing with them. Now, what do you choose to do?” She thought hard for a minute, then she decided she wanted to put him back. Simple as that, she allowed me to push the cart back to the bunnies and she watched as I put him back. No temper tantrum. No power struggle. Just a few minutes to reason with her and she understood. And she always got to play with something from then on as I shopped.
A good way to say ‘no’ to a child is to explain the situation, then give them a choice, as I did in the example above. The two choices need to be something you will agree to. Next, allow the child to think a minute and make their choice, which empowers them to feel a bit more in control. For example, “You can choose to do your homework now and watch TV with us after dinner,” or “You can choose to wait until after dinner to do your homework instead of watching TV with us.” Either choice is a good choice because the homework will get done no matter what.
The second way to say ‘no’, is by giving them what they wish for. This is usually the best way to handle adults. If you are asked to chair a committee, or attend a performance and you really don’t have time to do these things, you can simply say ‘no’, which sounds pretty rude. Or you can say, “I really wish I could, but I can’t.” Consider this: You are riding in a car with a friend or spouse and you spot your dream car on the road. You comment that you love that car and want to own one. Your friend/spouse replies, “Are you crazy? You know you can’t afford to buy a car like that. Stop dreaming!” Stop for a moment and think of how you feel if you hear this. Now, what if they say, “Wow, that is a nice car. I didn’t know that was your favorite car. I wish you could buy one some day.” Does that response make you feel a little better? Both responses clearly indicated that you could not afford to buy that car, but the second response let you know that the person understood your desire to have it. This is how people (and children) feel when we give them their wish. It lets them know we understand the importance of it, but at the same time, setting healthy boundaries for ourselves because we can’t possibly stretch ourselves any more.
When my son was 3, he came to me one night after I had put him to bed. He knew I had bought some Oreo cookies at the store earlier that night. He asked if he could have one. I knew there was no way he was going to get a cookie at this hour. My response was, “Ooh, an Oreo cookie does sound good right about now. I really wish I could give you one. But you know, it’s really late to be eating a cookie. How about we pick out a couple of cookies and put them in a special baggie so they will be yours to eat tomorrow?” He readily agreed to this and went back to bed with no problem. And I followed through by giving him his cookies after lunch.
Sure, it’s way easier to ‘just say no’ to people, but it is far better to stop a minute and take the time to give someone their wish and let them know we really do care about them. And it will help us to set healthier boundaries for ourselves.
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