Learn to Love Your Spouse For Who They Are

My husband and I have led marriage seminars, helping couples take a fresh look at their spouse. The focus is on learning what is right with your spouse and what motivates them, then changing your pattern of behavior from a “what have you done for me lately” approach, to “how can I encourage you to show you I love you” approach. When couples start to realize that their spouse is actually very different than they are and are motivated by different things, then it’s easier to understand them and meet those needs in a way that builds them up rather than tears them down. 

It is so easy to spend all day out in the world being nice to others, then come home and take all our frustrations out on our spouse. But this is not the way it’s supposed to be. Your spouse is the person you should be closest to, not your dumping ground when the day is over.  Here are some things to help turn your negative patterns into positive ones:

1. Pray for your spouse every day. Stormie Omartian has written several books on how to pray for one another.  “The Power of a Praying Wife”, “The Power of a Praying Husband” and “The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage” are excellent places to start if you aren’t sure exactly what to pray for your spouse. If you really would like your spouse to change, begin by praying for him/her every morning.
2. Be grateful for your spouse. If you feel that you and your spouse have been in a negative downward spiral lately, then start to list the things that you are grateful for and you will find that your attitude will begin to change. When I’ve had a particularly stressful day, I will think of things I’m grateful for about my husband as I drive home. That way, I’m in a much more positive mood when I walk in the door and I avoid taking out my frustration on him.
3. Do something kind and unexpected for your spouse. When I work with couples, I often have them each make up a list of things they would like their spouse to do that shows their love for them - at no cost or expense. For example, if you get up to get a drink of water, offer to get one for your spouse. For those couples who are struggling to get along, I tell them to “act as if you loved each other”. Believe it or not, a simple act of kindness goes a long way toward communicating that you care about each other. After a while, this behavior becomes second nature and you will find yourselves being much more considerate of each other and the love will eventually return.

In the Bible, we are never commanded to treat others the way they have treated us. We are commanded to treat others the way we would like them to treat us. This means that someone has to be nice first. A difficult concept in today’s society, because everyone is selfish and looks to meet his own needs first. As Christians, we are taught to set aside our own needs for the needs of others. This has to start in the home - with our spouse who is entirely and completely different from us. Embrace these differences and learn to love your spouse for all the things that are right about them.